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Douchebaggery: Cycling edition

If it’s not pouring or freezing outside, I like to ride my bike to work. 70% of the time I take the Hudson bike path and the other 30% of the time I’ll ride along with traffic. Surprisingly, I run into more annoying situations when I’m NOT in traffic. Here’s my list of the douchebaggery I’ve seen on the Hudson bike path.

The cycling couple.
The relationship is brand new. They still have SO much to share about themselves. They’re in love and they can only see each other because love is blind. They think they are the only ones in the city just like Times Square tourists. They’re still SO excited to be dating that they can’t bare to ride single file. They wouldn’t be able to gaze into each other’s eyes and chat and ignore everyone else on the bike path! So they decide to ride side by side and take up 1.5 lanes forcing everyone else to squeeze by. This crates a semi-dangerous and annoying situation for everyone trying to pass them and people going the opposite direction. Don’t be a d-bag, ride single file, you’ll live through the seperation.

The high speed dog walker.
This is pretty straight forward. A person on a bike, skateboard, or rollerblades decides they’re gonna take their lap dog along for the ride. What this particular d-bag is so unaware of, though, is the fact that the leash goes from their hand to the dog’s neck. Pretty obvious right? Not to this idiot. They are perfectly oblivious to the fact that they, along with their leash and dog, create a moving 3 to 5 foot wide trip wire. And due to the small dog and those hard to see black cord leashes, this dynamic duo is only visible when ten feet away giving oncomers a very small window to avoid. Not to mention the dog can dart in and out whenever it wants to. Don’t be a d-bag, leave the dog at home, G. The chicks you’re trying to score with will get a chance to pet your Shih-tzu at the park some other time.

The I’m-not-so-steady-yet person.
When you take your cycling, skateboarding or rollerblading public, please make sure you’re ready. There’s nothing more unsettling than watching a rollerblader approaching you with their arms flailing, ankles bent inward and dragging one roller blade behind them to slow down. It’s a scary sight. You have no idea if they’re gonna do a faceplant or dart one way other the other. Do us all a favor. Practice in a your driveway for a while, ok? Moving on. I’d like to take a second to recognize the person with so many bags balancing on the handlebars of their bike that the front wheel wiggles back and forth from instability. I applaud you for using human powered transportation, but maybe you can haul your belongings in some other not-so-narrow, crowded public space. And to the skaters, I like your tricks, just not in the middle of a thin two lane path where your botched ollie kickflip can injure people.

The Lance Armstrong in training.
You got the spandex, the sponsor logos (even though you’re not sponsored), the little racing cap, the jersey unzipped to your navel, the $5000 racing bike, the little rear fanny pack with your bike tools. You’re the man and everyone knows it. They know it because when you pass them with a loud “ON YOUR LEFT!” they get hit with a gust of wind and sweat. Maybe take it down a notch, chief. Or at least take it down a notch when people are around. When no one is around, ride like the wind like Christopher Cross dude, it’s all good. Or maybe take your speediness to the loop in Central Park. Cool?

There’s much more unsafe douchebagery going on on the Hudson Bike path. But I’ll leave that for another edition. I’m all out of snarky remarks for now. Just kidding, Im not.

Man Goes on Vacation, Doesn’t Tweet.

Social networking is big. Huge. Nay, it’s EVERYWHERE. Everyone seems to be blogging or on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, LinkedIn, Virb, Kontain, Tumblr or one of the other 5 billion sites that are out there. Letting family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and random followers know what you are up to at all times via a blog, pictures, videos or 140 character blurbs (or tweet) is the norm nowadays and it’s only growing. When do people use these social networking sites? The answer is all the time, for any and every reason. If you’re out with friends? Update your Facebook status. See something funny? Tweet about it. Flying somewhere for work? Update LinkedIn. Take a zany picture of your face? Put it on MySpace. Wanna write something that only YOU think is interesting? Start a blog *wink*.

So why would someone go on vacation and NOT update their social networking sites to show the world what their doing!? Sounds crazy right? I recently caught up with Frank Campanella. Frank recently went on vacation and, for some reason, did not update his web presences.

Frank Campanella, Question: So, Frank, I understand you work fairly closely with the web for your job. If you’re so web savvy, what sites do you belong to?
Frank Campanella, Answer: Twitter for miscelaneous commentary. LinkedIn for work stuff. Cargo for my portfolio. YouTube for some comedy videos. And MySpace for old comedy promo stuff… but I don’t update the MySpace profiles any more. I also have a flickr account that I never update and a tumblr account for pictures of my daughter (mostly for family only). The only thing I really keep updated is my blog (which is kind of new) and Twitter.

Q: …And Facebook.
A: I’m actually not on Facebook.

Q: What? Why? Is something wrong with you? Brain damage?
A: I might be a little brain damaged. I used to be on Facebook, not any more.

Q: But everyone is on Facebook!
A: Maybe that’s why. I don’t wanna be in touch with EVERYONE. That constant stream of content gets old after a while.

Q: Why?
A: Because.

Q: Lame.
A: So.

Q: Whatever, back to the main question… You recently went on vacation. Why didn’t you update at least one of the sites you belong to? Did your arms fall off?
A: No

Q: Do you not know how to read?
A: I can read.

Q: Do you have arthritis which makes it hard to type?
A: No.

Q: Did your wife not let you?
A: No.

Q: Well, then what’s the deal? Why no updates?
A: It never really occurred to me to update them. I didn’t bring my laptop either. I kinda wanted to GO ON VACATION. I’ll probably send pics of my daughter to some family members but that’s about it.

Q: You had your phone, right? Why not update via mobile?
A: Again, It just didn’t occur to me to update anything. I was having fun & relaxing. I guess I never thought to stop what I was doing, take a pic or video, upload it to the internet and update a site.

Q: It’s not that hard. Could it be your brain damage that got in the way?
A: I know it’s easy. I don’t think it was the brain damage. No.

Q: So why not let people know what you’re up to?
A: I guess I don’t want people to know what I’m up to all the time. It’s nice to be “off the grid” for a little while.

Q: Yeah, but isn’t it cool to show people awesome pics of the great time you’re having?
A: Is it cool? Or is it thinly veiled bragging via the internet? That’s what it seems like to me. It’s kind of a turn off when others do it. That’s just me though. Like I said, I might be brain dead.

Q: But when people you know go somewhere or do something cool, don’t you wanna know about it?
A: I guess. Mostly I just hope their having a nice time. I don’t need the actual evidence that someone is para sailing over the Pacific or posing in front of a monument.

Q: I see. It’s so clear now. You’re jealous when you see pics of someone you know para sailing over the Pacific or posing in front of a monument.
A: Not really. It just seems like people are always on the phone/computer trying to tell/show the world what they’re up to at all times. Get UNconnected for a while, folks. That’s all I’m saying. We should all have a break from the barrage of info. Aren’t you sick of everything on the internet (and even TV for that matter but that’s a whole different can of worms)?

Q: Listen, I’ll ask the questions.
A: I’m just saying people need to get away from the computer/TV… me included. There’s too much clutter and uninspired content and it’s easy to get sick of. It gets old. Plus, next time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while we’ll have more to share because I haven’t seen everything they’ve been up to via the internet… we can actually catch up… in person… whoa, right?

Q: Fine
A:

New Site

It’s been ages since I’ve updated my site. In that time I’ve had a few different jobs, had great success with my improvisational comedy team 4Track, and had a lovely baby. I’ve also left Facebook, joined Twitter, neglected Linkedin and started generating content for this new site. There’s no doubt that my outdated site has impacted your life and the internet in general in a huge way. That’s why I made this new one.

It’s been a while in the works. Designing something, getting sick of it, redesigning it, rethinking everything, figuring out what content to put on it, etc. Graphic design and comedy content is an odd body of work but I wanted it all under one roof anyway. Of course, I plan on getting sick of the design of this site soon. Therefore I am calling this a semi long term interim site until the next one.

Aaaaaanyways, here’s the new site. For the other 3 people besides me that go to this site, enjoy. And please ignore the small bugs. I’m still working out some kinks.

Play by Play: Cheerios commercial

I know it’s old but I LOVE this commercial. Actually, I love to hate this commercial. It’s so weird.

Here we have Steve and his unnamed wife having a conversation over breakfast. Should we go line by line? Sure. Let’s go for it.

“What are you eating?”
Simple morning conversation starter. Nice one Steve.

“Multi Grain Cheerios”
Simple answer. So far so good. Nice one, unnamed wife.

“So, Trying to watch your weight?”
This is where Steve’s morning takes a bad turn. He hears “multi grain” and thinks healthy. So Steve, in an effort to continue the early morning banter, asks what he thinks is an innocent question. We find out soon that it’s not an innocent question, but a one way ticket into domestic hell.

“No, Why?”
BOOM. It’s all over for Steve. Weight is obviously a sensitive issue with this unnamed wife. She’s not slender but not fat. She probably wishes she was a bit skinnier and now she’s gonna take it out on her husband by taking a dump all over his morning.

“Nothing. It’s just the box. It says it’s low in fat.”
All this guy is trying to do is explain his logic. It’s a fact, the box says ‘low in fat’. He’s obviously not accustomed to seeing healthy, multi grain anything around the house. She MUST be watching her weight or else she’d be eating Lucky Charms or some crap like that, right?! But as we see in the next line…

“Do I look like I need to watch my weight?”
Man, shes not gonna let this go! Hey, listen unnamed wife, if you’re gonna start eating healthy all of a sudden expect to be asked some questions about it. You can’t just go changing cereals for no reason! Maybe she woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I dunno to be honest. There’s a lot of factors that could contribute to this untamed rage.

“Nuh, nuh, no. It just says it has 110 calories per serving.”
Steve pathetically stammers around trying to give another reason why he would ask such an “outlandish” question. He’s obviously stunned at this wild eyed hatred coming from his fat wife. It’s first thing in the damn morning and he has to put up with this crap?

“Yeah, but there are other reasons why I like it.”
Yeah right, fatty. You don’t name ONE of those reasons for the rest of the commercial. Just leave Steve alone and go back to your scrap booking and Mary Kay parties.

“I know, I know… it’s (nervous pause)… the box. It says it’s made with five whole grains. That’s good, isn’t it?”
Wow, Steve. Maybe you deserve the miserable position you’re in. Nervously coming up with another lame reason to explain your logic. You should have fled this marital crime scene long ago buddy. But, here you are, being as lame as possible. You’re probably gonna go jump into a carpool to go to work soon. The guys in the carpool make you sit in the middle of the back seat between two lesser co-workers. You do it because you’re weak. That was until the guys in the carpool got sick of you whining about your wife and kicked you out. Now you ride a razor scooter to work.

“(nodding) Mm hm. What else does the box say?”
She’s got you here Steve. You’re out of reasons to explain why you asked her if she’s watching her weight and she knows it. Most guys would have said: “The box says stop changing my cereals you trampy mess.” But we see that Steve says that unforgettable line…

“The box says, shut up Steve.”
This is when she gives that sh*t eating grin. What we don’t see is when he buries his head in the bowl, shovels in the rest of the cereal as fast as possible, puts on his Men’s Warehouse suit and rides his razor to work.

That’s my play by play for this commercial. Cheerio.

Dog Runs

For the majority of this week I have been treated to a semi-large pool of “the runs” (yeah, dog poop) at the bottom my apartment building’s steps. The first time was no big deal, sh*t happens (really, Frank!!?). This crap has been happening all week, though. I launch off the last step like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day wondering if I’ll get a foot full of the mustard colored runs. I’m pretty sure these dog runs are created by the dog across the hall which belongs to a couple spinsters. They treat the dog like a child. I’m absolutely positive they’re feeding the dog all sorts of human treats that are screwing up the poor thing’s digestion. Then I thought about it. There’s an advantage to having a dog with the runs. You don’t have to pick up the damn crap! Have you ever seen a person try to pick the runs up off of a sidewalk? They just smear it around the sidewalk or 99.9% of the time don’t do anything at all. In conclusion, spinsters feed their dogs tasty yet destructive human food causing them to get the runs so they’re exempt from picking up liquid poo. You see? Agree or disagree, I don’t care. Man, I’m bored.

New Yorker caption contest, part 2

So a couple months after my hilarious debut as a New Yorker caption contest finalist (I finished 3rd place… lame) another one of my submissions was a finalist. It was the November 10, 2008 issue. Not bad. THIS submission reached the level of hilarity I failed to achieve in that first one. THIS submission made me laugh for 30 seconds longer than the first one did… so I knew this one was really rrreeeeaaally good. I came in second after readers voted.

New Yorker caption contest

In the October 20, 2008 issue of the New Yorker I was a finalist in the New Yorker caption contest (I just got around to scanning it now). This means I was one of three people that the magazine readers got to vote on to be the winner. I urge you to take a moment to calm down. I know that after just reading my submission you’re consumed with a powerful laughter you’ve never known before. What’s that? You don’t think it’s funny? Well you’re not alone. Neither do I. I would say that it’s “New Yorker” funny, though. Hey, it was cool to be a finalist.

Yo, I got a baby. She’s 2 months old.

Violet was born on Saturday December 20th in New York City. She’s amazing. It’s been two months now and the initial craziness that comes with a new baby is slowing down… a little. I figured I’d take a few minutes to write about a couple interesting things about those first few weeks.

First off I’d like to thank the rotating cast of overly friendly (that’s sarcasm people) nurses at Beth Israel. It was a great comfort to know you were there when we needed you… after ringing the bell a few times. I’d also like to thank you for all your advice. Stuff like: “You should get that baby away from the window, the cold draft could get it sick.” Or, “You should cool it off in here, too much heat could get the baby sick.” Or, “You should really supplement the breast milk with formula because your baby is losing weight.” Or, “Breast milk is the most healthy, don’t use formula.” It was all this wildly different advice that brand new parents really love. So that was cool.

One thing that’s great about having a baby in the future (because the future is now) is the internet and all of its reliable information. Especially since most of the content is written by non-professionals. It’s fun spending hours sifting through hundreds of sites to decide what sounds good and what sounds bogus. I am well aware that the internet is full of nonsense content but as a new parent you want answers to things that worry you and calling a doctor at 3am isn’t always an option. Especially if you want an answer to a question like: What’s with my baby’s head and when will it form to it’s normal shape? You tend to get other mothers talking to other mothers online. Saying stuff like: “My baby’s head was normal, seems like a serious problem that yours isn’t.” Or, “I contacted my doctor immediately after seeing a dent in my baby’s head. You should too” Or, “Everything is fine, a baby’s head is soft and still growing.” Aaaaaah, that’s the answer I was looking for. Then again, do you believe actual mothers with experience? Or do you believe what the anonymous doctors say?

Either way, that first month was a blast. Seriously though (sarcasm aside), Violet is awesome. I recommend getting a baby… unless you’re holed up in a trailer in middle America with a meth addiction. In that case steer clear of reproduction.