Haaaaa! I mean, uuuuuhhh… hello!
Douchebaggery: Cycling edition
If it’s not pouring or freezing outside, I like to ride my bike to work. 70% of the time I take the Hudson bike path and the other 30% of the time I’ll ride along with traffic. Surprisingly, I run into more annoying situations when I’m NOT in traffic. Here’s my list of the douchebaggery I’ve seen on the Hudson bike path.
The cycling couple.
The relationship is brand new. They still have SO much to share about themselves. They’re in love and they can only see each other because love is blind. They think they are the only ones in the city just like Times Square tourists. They’re still SO excited to be dating that they can’t bare to ride single file. They wouldn’t be able to gaze into each other’s eyes and chat and ignore everyone else on the bike path! So they decide to ride side by side and take up 1.5 lanes forcing everyone else to squeeze by. This crates a semi-dangerous and annoying situation for everyone trying to pass them and people going the opposite direction. Don’t be a d-bag, ride single file, you’ll live through the seperation.
The high speed dog walker.
This is pretty straight forward. A person on a bike, skateboard, or rollerblades decides they’re gonna take their lap dog along for the ride. What this particular d-bag is so unaware of, though, is the fact that the leash goes from their hand to the dog’s neck. Pretty obvious right? Not to this idiot. They are perfectly oblivious to the fact that they, along with their leash and dog, create a moving 3 to 5 foot wide trip wire. And due to the small dog and those hard to see black cord leashes, this dynamic duo is only visible when ten feet away giving oncomers a very small window to avoid. Not to mention the dog can dart in and out whenever it wants to. Don’t be a d-bag, leave the dog at home, G. The chicks you’re trying to score with will get a chance to pet your Shih-tzu at the park some other time.
The I’m-not-so-steady-yet person.
When you take your cycling, skateboarding or rollerblading public, please make sure you’re ready. There’s nothing more unsettling than watching a rollerblader approaching you with their arms flailing, ankles bent inward and dragging one roller blade behind them to slow down. It’s a scary sight. You have no idea if they’re gonna do a faceplant or dart one way other the other. Do us all a favor. Practice in a your driveway for a while, ok? Moving on. I’d like to take a second to recognize the person with so many bags balancing on the handlebars of their bike that the front wheel wiggles back and forth from instability. I applaud you for using human powered transportation, but maybe you can haul your belongings in some other not-so-narrow, crowded public space. And to the skaters, I like your tricks, just not in the middle of a thin two lane path where your botched ollie kickflip can injure people.
The Lance Armstrong in training.
You got the spandex, the sponsor logos (even though you’re not sponsored), the little racing cap, the jersey unzipped to your navel, the $5000 racing bike, the little rear fanny pack with your bike tools. You’re the man and everyone knows it. They know it because when you pass them with a loud “ON YOUR LEFT!” they get hit with a gust of wind and sweat. Maybe take it down a notch, chief. Or at least take it down a notch when people are around. When no one is around, ride like the wind like Christopher Cross dude, it’s all good. Or maybe take your speediness to the loop in Central Park. Cool?
There’s much more unsafe douchebagery going on on the Hudson Bike path. But I’ll leave that for another edition. I’m all out of snarky remarks for now. Just kidding, Im not.