Douchebaggery: Cycling edition

If it’s not pouring or freezing outside, I like to ride my bike to work. 70% of the time I take the Hudson bike path and the other 30% of the time I’ll ride along with traffic. Surprisingly, I run into more annoying situations when I’m NOT in traffic. Here’s my list of the douchebaggery I’ve seen on the Hudson bike path.

The cycling couple.
The relationship is brand new. They still have SO much to share about themselves. They’re in love and they can only see each other because love is blind. They think they are the only ones in the city just like Times Square tourists. They’re still SO excited to be dating that they can’t bare to ride single file. They wouldn’t be able to gaze into each other’s eyes and chat and ignore everyone else on the bike path! So they decide to ride side by side and take up 1.5 lanes forcing everyone else to squeeze by. This crates a semi-dangerous and annoying situation for everyone trying to pass them and people going the opposite direction. Don’t be a d-bag, ride single file, you’ll live through the seperation.

The high speed dog walker.
This is pretty straight forward. A person on a bike, skateboard, or rollerblades decides they’re gonna take their lap dog along for the ride. What this particular d-bag is so unaware of, though, is the fact that the leash goes from their hand to the dog’s neck. Pretty obvious right? Not to this idiot. They are perfectly oblivious to the fact that they, along with their leash and dog, create a moving 3 to 5 foot wide trip wire. And due to the small dog and those hard to see black cord leashes, this dynamic duo is only visible when ten feet away giving oncomers a very small window to avoid. Not to mention the dog can dart in and out whenever it wants to. Don’t be a d-bag, leave the dog at home, G. The chicks you’re trying to score with will get a chance to pet your Shih-tzu at the park some other time.

The I’m-not-so-steady-yet person.
When you take your cycling, skateboarding or rollerblading public, please make sure you’re ready. There’s nothing more unsettling than watching a rollerblader approaching you with their arms flailing, ankles bent inward and dragging one roller blade behind them to slow down. It’s a scary sight. You have no idea if they’re gonna do a faceplant or dart one way other the other. Do us all a favor. Practice in a your driveway for a while, ok? Moving on. I’d like to take a second to recognize the person with so many bags balancing on the handlebars of their bike that the front wheel wiggles back and forth from instability. I applaud you for using human powered transportation, but maybe you can haul your belongings in some other not-so-narrow, crowded public space. And to the skaters, I like your tricks, just not in the middle of a thin two lane path where your botched ollie kickflip can injure people.

The Lance Armstrong in training.
You got the spandex, the sponsor logos (even though you’re not sponsored), the little racing cap, the jersey unzipped to your navel, the $5000 racing bike, the little rear fanny pack with your bike tools. You’re the man and everyone knows it. They know it because when you pass them with a loud “ON YOUR LEFT!” they get hit with a gust of wind and sweat. Maybe take it down a notch, chief. Or at least take it down a notch when people are around. When no one is around, ride like the wind like Christopher Cross dude, it’s all good. Or maybe take your speediness to the loop in Central Park. Cool?

There’s much more unsafe douchebagery going on on the Hudson Bike path. But I’ll leave that for another edition. I’m all out of snarky remarks for now. Just kidding, Im not.

Man Goes on Vacation, Doesn’t Tweet.

Social networking is big. Huge. Nay, it’s EVERYWHERE. Everyone seems to be blogging or on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, LinkedIn, Virb, Kontain, Tumblr or one of the other 5 billion sites that are out there. Letting family, friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and random followers know what you are up to at all times via a blog, pictures, videos or 140 character blurbs (or tweet) is the norm nowadays and it’s only growing. When do people use these social networking sites? The answer is all the time, for any and every reason. If you’re out with friends? Update your Facebook status. See something funny? Tweet about it. Flying somewhere for work? Update LinkedIn. Take a zany picture of your face? Put it on MySpace. Wanna write something that only YOU think is interesting? Start a blog *wink*.

So why would someone go on vacation and NOT update their social networking sites to show the world what their doing!? Sounds crazy right? I recently caught up with Frank Campanella. Frank recently went on vacation and, for some reason, did not update his web presences.

Frank Campanella, Question: So, Frank, I understand you work fairly closely with the web for your job. If you’re so web savvy, what sites do you belong to?
Frank Campanella, Answer: Twitter for miscelaneous commentary. LinkedIn for work stuff. Cargo for my portfolio. YouTube for some comedy videos. And MySpace for old comedy promo stuff… but I don’t update the MySpace profiles any more. I also have a flickr account that I never update and a tumblr account for pictures of my daughter (mostly for family only). The only thing I really keep updated is my blog (which is kind of new) and Twitter.

Q: …And Facebook.
A: I’m actually not on Facebook.

Q: What? Why? Is something wrong with you? Brain damage?
A: I might be a little brain damaged. I used to be on Facebook, not any more.

Q: But everyone is on Facebook!
A: Maybe that’s why. I don’t wanna be in touch with EVERYONE. That constant stream of content gets old after a while.

Q: Why?
A: Because.

Q: Lame.
A: So.

Q: Whatever, back to the main question… You recently went on vacation. Why didn’t you update at least one of the sites you belong to? Did your arms fall off?
A: No

Q: Do you not know how to read?
A: I can read.

Q: Do you have arthritis which makes it hard to type?
A: No.

Q: Did your wife not let you?
A: No.

Q: Well, then what’s the deal? Why no updates?
A: It never really occurred to me to update them. I didn’t bring my laptop either. I kinda wanted to GO ON VACATION. I’ll probably send pics of my daughter to some family members but that’s about it.

Q: You had your phone, right? Why not update via mobile?
A: Again, It just didn’t occur to me to update anything. I was having fun & relaxing. I guess I never thought to stop what I was doing, take a pic or video, upload it to the internet and update a site.

Q: It’s not that hard. Could it be your brain damage that got in the way?
A: I know it’s easy. I don’t think it was the brain damage. No.

Q: So why not let people know what you’re up to?
A: I guess I don’t want people to know what I’m up to all the time. It’s nice to be “off the grid” for a little while.

Q: Yeah, but isn’t it cool to show people awesome pics of the great time you’re having?
A: Is it cool? Or is it thinly veiled bragging via the internet? That’s what it seems like to me. It’s kind of a turn off when others do it. That’s just me though. Like I said, I might be brain dead.

Q: But when people you know go somewhere or do something cool, don’t you wanna know about it?
A: I guess. Mostly I just hope their having a nice time. I don’t need the actual evidence that someone is para sailing over the Pacific or posing in front of a monument.

Q: I see. It’s so clear now. You’re jealous when you see pics of someone you know para sailing over the Pacific or posing in front of a monument.
A: Not really. It just seems like people are always on the phone/computer trying to tell/show the world what they’re up to at all times. Get UNconnected for a while, folks. That’s all I’m saying. We should all have a break from the barrage of info. Aren’t you sick of everything on the internet (and even TV for that matter but that’s a whole different can of worms)?

Q: Listen, I’ll ask the questions.
A: I’m just saying people need to get away from the computer/TV… me included. There’s too much clutter and uninspired content and it’s easy to get sick of. It gets old. Plus, next time I see someone I haven’t seen in a while we’ll have more to share because I haven’t seen everything they’ve been up to via the internet… we can actually catch up… in person… whoa, right?

Q: Fine
A:

Dog Runs

For the majority of this week I have been treated to a semi-large pool of “the runs” (yeah, dog poop) at the bottom my apartment building’s steps. The first time was no big deal, sh*t happens (really, Frank!!?). This crap has been happening all week, though. I launch off the last step like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day wondering if I’ll get a foot full of the mustard colored runs. I’m pretty sure these dog runs are created by the dog across the hall which belongs to a couple spinsters. They treat the dog like a child. I’m absolutely positive they’re feeding the dog all sorts of human treats that are screwing up the poor thing’s digestion. Then I thought about it. There’s an advantage to having a dog with the runs. You don’t have to pick up the damn crap! Have you ever seen a person try to pick the runs up off of a sidewalk? They just smear it around the sidewalk or 99.9% of the time don’t do anything at all. In conclusion, spinsters feed their dogs tasty yet destructive human food causing them to get the runs so they’re exempt from picking up liquid poo. You see? Agree or disagree, I don’t care. Man, I’m bored.